They blow up so fast
Thursday Night July 28
Leno
Did I mention I went to a deserted island
last week? Actually I went to a theater showing "The Island” and it was
deserted.
Lance Armstrong, who of course, won his seventh Tour de France, now says he just
wants to lay around the house and drink beer. What a lazy bastard this guy
turned out to be.
After retiring for a year because he wanted to smoke dope…Ricky Williams
reported to the Miami Dolphins training camp. The coach said he expects him to
be a team leader. That’s what he said, a team leader. Really with all the dope
he smoked? Band leader, maybe?
The Democratic Leadership Council has named Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton to
design a plan to help define an agenda for the Democratic Party. Although Bill
said, from his experience, whenever Hillary enters the picture, that’s when
the party ends.
And now the state of New Jersey is now considering a law that would ban smoking
while driving. Authorities say that people who smoke while driving are not able
to properly concentrate on their cell phone conversations or the movie playing
in the back seat.
In Florida, a judge has found O.J. Simpson guilty of stealing satellite TV and
ordered him to pay DirecTV $25,000 in back charges. We are finally getting tough
on celebrities in this country.
Were you shocked? I knew he was a murderer, I didn’t know he was a thief. I
was stunned.
I just this one incidence doesn’t ruin O.J.’s reputation.
Do you know that the Rolling Stones are actually lowering their ticket prices
for the upcoming tour? I guess they finally realized a lot of their fans are on
a fixed income.
Letterman
 | A new study has found that people don’t consider
you old until you are 71 – or until you start watching CBS.| Saddam Hussein is about to go on trial. Remember
years ago we found him hanging out in a spiderhole? Now he’s about to go
to trial. Here’s the charges he’s facing: Attacking Iran, invading
Kuwait, and stealing satellite television. | O.J. Simpson has been convicted of stealing
satellite TV. Really he’s been living every man’s dream – free
satellite TV and no wife. |
Wednesday Night July 27 Leno The White House has now changed their slogan from the
War on Terror, to the Global Struggle Against Violent Extremism. And that just
rolls off the tongue, huh? | Yeah, that’s a good idea, giving President Bush more
syllables to pronounce. | The White House today instituted a new "don’t
ask, don’t tell” policy. The bad news, it’s for Supreme Court nominees. | There are now rumors that embattled White House aide,
Karl Rove, who's made a career out of spreading rumors about his political
opponents, has a girlfriend on the side. Gee, let's hope nobody leaks her
name. That would be terrible. | A Washington think tank has concluded that the job of
finding and removing all illegal immigrants from the United States would cost
over 200 billion dollars, and take over five years. That is, unless we hire
illegal immigrants to do it, then it would cost us a tenth of the normal
price. | Did you see John Kerry in France? He was over there to
meet with Lance Armstrong after his victory. Do you know why? John Kerry at
one point, John Kerry wanted to be a professional bike rider but they could
never find a helmet that would fit his head. | Cadillac announced today that they are coming out with
a line of Cadillac bicycles. Now that’s when you know the price of gas is
getting too high. When Cadillac starts making bicycles! | Wal-Mart plans to open 90 stores in China, one of will
be a superstore called the Great Wal-Mart of China. | I’d like to say hello to O.J. Simpson, who is
watching us in Miami on his illegal satellite dish. | Did you hear about this? A federal judge has ordered
O.J. Simpson to pay $25,000 in damages for pirating satellite television
signals from Direct TV. What’s next? Are we going to get Robert Blake for
downloading music?! | O.J. insists he’s innocent and said he will continue
to look for the real pirates | Ricky Williams report the dolphins training camp
nearly a year after he said he was retiring to smoke marijuana. That’s when
you know you smoke a lot of weed okay. When you just show up a year late for
the job you just quit. | Sixty-three year old Harrison Ford told the British
press he’s going to do his own stunts in "Indiana Jones 4”. I don’t
want to say Indiana is getting old, but I understand in this sequel Indiana
raids his own tomb. |
Tuesday Night July 26 Leno Welcome to Burbank, or as we call it God’s Lean Mean
Grilling Machine. What was it 102? | Another here today in Los Angeles. I tell you, I was
sweatin’ like Jessica Simpson trying to put a CD into her iPod. | It was so hot, Hillary Clinton just stayed inside
today and played "Grand Theft Auto”. | The Shuttle Discovery took off today from Florida.
Although, you may have heard, it was then diverted to Bangor, Maine when the
Middle Eastern astronaut began acting suspiciously. | The launch was successful although NASA is reporting
an unidentified piece of debris flew off the side of the space shuttle during
lift-off from Florida. Did you see that? It just flew off the side of the
shuttle. Turns out, it was just a couple of really lost Cubans. They grab onto
anything. | According to the "New York Post”, Osama bin
Laden had a plot to poison cocaine and sell it here in America. This is part
of Osama’s plan to destroy show business. You can bet Hollywood’s behind
Bush now. | The Colombian drug lords Osama approached, however,
decided against it. Boy, it’s pretty bad when we have to rely on the
kindness of Colombian drug lords to ensure our safety. That God for the
Escobar family. | On this date in 1990, President Bush signed into law
the Americans With Disabilities Act. Which allowed his son George W. to become
President of the United States. | Some Democrats are very worried about President
Bush’s Supreme Court nominee, John Roberts. Seems like a nice man. They
think he may be a threat to the endangered species list. See Democrats have
been worried about the endangered species list ever since they found they were
on it. | Another big celebrity breakup – the AFL-CIO. | This is a huge story - the Service Employees and the
Teamsters want to leave the AFL-CIO. This is the biggest setback to the
American workers since the nation of India. | There’s been a lot of talk that "The Dukes of
Hazard” movie strays from the original TV series. That’s what they say, it
strays from the original. You know what that means, apparently it has a plot. | Huge drug bust in Florida yesterday. Nine hundred
pounds discovered inside a gym locker. Then they realized, it’s just Ricky
Williams rejoining the Dolphins. | Happy Birthday to Barry Bonds. Barry Bonds is 41. He
celebrated quietly with a bottle of clean urine. | Today is Mick Jagger’s birthday. Well, at least
that’s according to archaeologists. | While visiting Kenya, former President Clinton was
offered 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter, Chelsea, by a love struck
government official. Bill said, "No way!” How does that make Hillary
feel? Bill almost gave her up for one cow. | Letterman It’s hot out! It’s so hot out that I stopped at
Ben and Jerry’s for a scoop of ice cream and the guy at the counter asked if
I wanted that in a cup, cone, or in my pants. | It’s so hot in D.C. that Dick Cheney replaced his
pacemaker with an icemaker. | The Teamsters have split from the AFL-CIO. The blame
has been put on Angelina Jolie. | We’re learning more and more about John Roberts, the
nominee for Supreme Court. He’s from Indiana. He was captain of his high
school football team. He graduated from Harvard in three years. It’s like I
have a twin! | Lance Armstrong has won his seventh Tour de France.
Now he’s going to retire. He’s going to start his own bicycle messenger
service. | NASA had a successful launch today. This is an
ambitious time for NASA. By 2015 they hope to put a man on Janet Reno. |
Monday Night July 25 Leno Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France for the seventh
time over the weekend. Now that’s the Tour de France, not to be confused
with Jude Law who won the Tour de Pants. | President Bush even called Lance. Not to congratulate
him but to find out how to back peddle. | This is the seventh time Lance has won the Tour de
France. His seventh victory, well eight if you count Sheryl Crowe. | I went to see the "Bad News Bears” over the
weekend. No, I’m sorry…those were Dodger highlights. | The White House has announced that President Bush is
on the last page of the Harry Potter book. Apparently he’s reading it
backwards. | Michael Jackson’s adult magazine collection has been
ordered to be returned to him. Michael wasn’t able to be reached for
comment. He will be in the bathroom until Thursday. | Letterman Are you doing any summer reading? I’m enjoying the
new Harry Potter book. It is riveting. This book is more darker and mature. I
don’t want to give away too much but in the end Harry has sex with his
nanny. | Congratulations to Lance Armstrong on winning the Tour
de France once again! He now has so many yellow jerseys he’s now considered
a Christo project. | Lance had a great race. He avoided several accidents
and saved 15% on his car insurance through Geico. | Lance says that he is now going to retire. When asked
what he is going to do in retirement he said the first thing he’ll do is try
to regain feeling to his ass. | Conan (Rerun) Did you see the Pope’s funeral? President
Bush was in attendance and when he appeared on the giant TV screen at The
Vatican the crowd booed him. When President Bush heard this he asked,
"What does boo mean in Italian?” | The Fox News Channel has announced they will start a
new financial network called The Fox Financial Channel. The main difference
with the Fox Financial Channel will be when the stock market goes down they
will blame it on Hillary Clinton. |
Thursday Night July 21 Leno What a terrific crowd! You sound like Karl Rove when
he realized the Supreme Court nomination knocked him off the front page. | Here’s a story I mentioned last night - according to
"The New York Post”, Bill Clinton is the only ex-president who hasn't
planned his own funeral. Which is pretty amazing considering Clinton once had
a near death experience. Not the heart bypass, remember that time when Hillary
came home early? | At a recent speech to hundreds of university
professors, Bill Gates said it’s puzzling why more kids don’t want to
become computer programmers. Gee, I don’t know, you think maybe it’s
because at some point they’d actually like to have a girlfriend. | I thought this was nice - Wal-Mart says they want to
be more environmentally friendly so they’re now opening up a store in Texas
that uses wind power. And like the workers the wind comes up from Mexico. | What do you think of this? Satellite TV is now
available on cars. Was there a big problem with cars that cell phones weren't
distracting enough? Now people are talking on the phone and watching TV. | Michael Jackson says he wants to move to Berlin. As
soon as the Germans heard about it they started to put the wall back up. | More news on that couple in England, you know where
the 31 year old man married the 70 year old woman. News from their honeymoon
she slipped into something more comfortable, a coma. | Letterman's
Top Ten |
OLD STUFF
